Music and lyrics by Stephen Schwartz
Book by Winnie Holzman
based on (heh) the novel by Gregory Maguire
Notes: October's edition has come a little late. Sorry.
OZ, SOME COURTYARD
MUSIC: DAH! DAH-DAH! DAH! DAH! DAH! DAAAAHHHH!
MY EARS: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
(Some Winkies or Munchkins or Wunchkins are getting their dance on. Celebration! Awkward choreography! And then some blonde descends in Barbie’s Dream Deus Ex Machina.)
GLINDA: Behold my benevolent hair color! Goodness and prettiness have triumphed over evil! LOVE ME!
(Apparently, the Wicked Witch of the West died, so...the end?)
GLINDA: But, what is wicked, really? Is wicked is what wicked does?
FLASHBACK: Deedley-dee! Deedley-dee! Deedley-dee!
(Some Salesman who’s face we never see but sounds an awful lot like George Hearn, macks on the future mom of the Wicked Witch of the West.)
DEFINATELY-NOT-GEORGE-HEARN: Hey, baby. Have some date-rape potion.
SOON-TO-BE-WITCHMAMA: Mmm, it tastes like Ecto-Plasm.
(Nine months later...)
VERY-SOON-TO-BE-WITCHMAMA: YOU BASTARD! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU AND NOT SOME TRAVELING SALESMAN WITH A DATE-RAPE POTION.
MIDWIFE: Push! Push! I see a head...it’s coming...
(WITCHMAMA gives birth to a Cabbage Patch oll dipped in Easter Egg dye! The horror!)
WITCHDADDY: AUGHHHH!!! OMIGOD, OUR BABY’S DIFFERENT!
AUDIENCE: OW! MY HEAD! WHAT WAS THAT?!
GLINDA: That was the two-by-four delivering that allegory.
FLASHBACK: Dee-deedley! Dee-deedley! Dee-deedley!
GLINDA: So, you see, the Wicked Witch had an unhappy childhood, and maybe with a little understanding she would have turned out okay. But, she’s dead now, so we’ll never know. Bye-ee! (floats off)
EXPOSITORY WUNCHKIN: Hey, Glinda? Didn’t you know the Wicked Witch or something?
GLINDA: (stops mid-float) Huh?
EXPOSITORY WUNCHKIN: The Wicked Witch: did you know her?
EXPOSITORY WUNCHKIN: So, you didn’t know her?
GLINDA: LOOK! A HOOKA-SMOKING CATERPILLAR!
WUNCHKINS: (looking) WHERE?
GLINDA: Float away! Float away!
(But, the show’s not called “Blonde”, so our good friend FLASHBACK comes in to tell the story...
The time: the past. The place: Shizzwarts School of Witchcraft and Rip-offery. The witch: green. Meet ELPHABA. Not only does she have green skin, but she wears glasses and is apparently a member of the Nation of Islam. Fitting in is hard.)
GALINDA: Lookame! I’m so pretty and blonde and WHITE!
SHIZZWARTS STUDENTS: Ooh, we love you and not the COLORED girl.
TWO-BY-FOUR OF ALLEGORY: SMACK!
(Oh, and ELPHABA has a sister, NESSAROSE who’s paralyzed legs aren’t nearly as crippling as her passive-agression.)
WITCHDADDY: Nessa, since I love you so much, I give you a pair of silver shoes. Elphaba, here’s a bit of string. Best of luck, yadda, yadda, yadda, watch over Nessa, or you’re out of the will. Peace. (leaves, never to be seen again)
MADAME MORRIBLE: Hello, students. Welcome to Shizzwarts. I am your headmistress, Madame Morrible. Rhymes with “horrible”. Get it?
TWO-BY-FOUR OF ALLEGORY: SMACK!
MORRIBLE: (to Nessa:) I’ve got a special room for you, Speedy. Let’s go.
ELPHABA: NOOOOOOO!!! DON’T TAKE AWAY MY SISTER!!!
(ELPHABA makes Nessa’s chair move BY ITSELF to the shock and awe of all.)
MORRIBLE: OMIGOD! You made that chair move all BY ITSELF! Clearly you are the only one gifted enough to take my sorcery test.
GALINDA: But, Madame Mooooorrrrrible! I want to take that claaa-aaasssss!
MORRIBLE: (ignoring her) And, since you’re so talented, you’ll more than likely get to work for the Wizard.
GALINDA: But, Madame Mooooorrrrrible!
MORRIBLE: Shut your piehole, Paris. For your blatant asshattery, you’ll be rooming with Greeny McFreakshow here.
STUDENTS: (glare at ELPHABA)
ELPHABA: Oh, I feel so at home already.
SOCIAL COMMENTARY 101 WITH DR. DILLAMOND
(ELPHABA is pulling a full-on Hermione while everyone else stares blank-faced and GALINDA just pouts because DR. DILLAMOND can’t pronounce her name right like the other teachers who LURVE her. And DOCTOR DILLAMOND is an old goat. No, REALLY.)
DR. DILLAMOND: Now, if you all pay attention, I’m going to flip over this chalkboard to my next lesson...
(The chalkboard is scrawled with the message “ANIMALS SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD!” Awkward.)
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Alright, who put this thinly-veiled metaphor up on my chalkboard?
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Who did it? ...WHO DID IT?!
CLASS: (looks around, whistling)
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: FINE! SCREW ALL OF YOU! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!
CLASS: WHEE! FREE PERIOD!
(All the students leave the class, except for ELPHABA, because she has a Heart of Gold™.)
ELPHABA: I’m sorry about what that anonymous jerk did to your chalkboard, Doctor. That was really racist, or speciesist, or something.
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: But, Elphaba, it’s not just the vandelism that bugs me. There is some bad stuff happening in Oz, and I fear that no one will be able to stop it.
ELPHABA: Well, if something bad is happening, why not tell the Wizard? After all, he is SO GOOD AND I KNOW HE WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN.
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Well, that’s what you think, but actually- BAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Huh. That was weird. What I was trying to say was- BAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!
ELPHABA: ‘The hell?
DOCTOR DILLAMOND: Nevermind. We’ll talk about this more later. Hopefully before it’s too late, but probably not.
SOMETHING SEXY THIS WAY COMES
(A coach pulls up with hung-over FIYERO: the new transfer student from East Sexilvania.)
THOSE WHO READ THE BOOK: But...he’s...BLONDE! And he’s supposed to have a noble bearing! And Elphaba’s dad is supposed to be a priest, not a mayor. And Shizz is supposed to be an all-girls school! AND WHERE ARE THE PORNY BITS?!
BOOK-WRITER, WINNIE HOLZMAN: (hands in ears) La, la, la! Can’t hear you, la, la, la!
BOQ, A MUNCHKIN: Oh, Miss Galinda, I really do lurve you. Granted, everyone lurves you. And yes, I have a glaring lack of balls, but I thought since there were no blonde, devil-may-care teen idols tearing about campus you would consider going out with me?
GALINDA: (sees FIYERO) Ooh, who’s that?
FIYERO: Dude, this place is boring. Let’s throw a decadent, kick-ass party TONIGHT! (to GALINDA:) See you there, sweet thang.
GALINDA: I think I just hit puberty again!
BOQ: Gee, Miss Galinda, I hope you’ll save a dance for me.
GALINDA: Ohhhh... (sees NESSA, gets idea) oh! That’s so nice of you, but I couldn’t possibly be able to enjoy a dance and let someone cop a feel while that poor, be-wheelchaired girl sits alone in her room. If only someone would ask her out...someone with a good heart...someone...with no balls...
BOQ: I have no balls! I mean, I’ll ask her out.
GALINDA: Oh, Bic, you’re a prince.
BOQ: It’s Boq.
NESSA LAYS A GUILT-TRIP
NESSA: Oh, Elphie! Ain’t it grand! Galinda fixed me up for my first-ever date giving me, your beloved sister, one night of happiness! If only I can do something for her, like talk to Madame Morrible and get her into that exclusive sorcery class you’re in.
GALINDA CRONY #1: Oh, Galinda! You are sooooo pretty!
GALINDA: I know.
GALINDA CRONY #2: Let’s get something for your hair (grabs hat box, looks inside). AHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT!
GALINDA: Oh, relax. It’s just a fugly, pointed black hat my grandmother gave me. I would get rid of it, but I haven’t found anyone ironic enough to accept it.
ELPHABA: (entering) Hey, Britney, I wanted to talk to you about OOH! CUTE HAT!
GALINDA: Dude, it’s just too easy.
(Everyone dances in torn black lingerie. GALINDA apparently didn’t get the memo because she is wearing fuscia, but since everyone lurves her, it doesn’t really matter.)
BOQ: So...Nessa...you’re in a wheelchair...
BOQ: (cough, scratch)
NESSA: (sips drink)
BOQ: ...I had an uncle who lost his thumb once.
NESSA: Oh, Boq. I know you didn’t really want to ask me out. You just felt sorry for me because I’m crippled and passive-agressive.
BOQ: That’s not true!
NESSA: Really? Then, why?
BOQ: Well, because...the thing is... (sigh) I have no balls.
NESSA: What was that?
BOQ: I said “you’re lovely as a doll”.
NESSA: Oh, Boq! Thank you! Of course I’ll marry you!
(And then, MORRIBLE arrives and chats with GALINDA.)
MORRIBLE: Look, Gem, If it were up to me, I’d issue a on order to keep your ditzy ass ten yards away from me. But, Elphaba threatened to drop out unless I took you in my class. Here’s your wand. See you Monday.
GALINDA: I get to study sorcery? For realz?
MORRIBLE: Just try not to blow anything up. Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to start the first of what promises to be a whole series of booze-filled nights.
GALINDA: Oh, SQUEE! I get to do magic things! And best of all, I don’t have to feel guilty about it at all!
(ELPHABA shows up at the dance in her pointy, fugly hat.)
GALINDA: Oh shit.
ELHPIE’S HAT: (bows its point shamefully)
(ELPHIE dances all by herself anyway.)
FIYERO: Why would anyone wear such a fugly hat in public?
GALINDA: (shiftily) I don’t know. Why would I know? I certainly did not give her that hat, so what are you looking at me for? Stop looking at me! I have nothing to feel guilty about! Stop looking at me so accusingly! FINE, I’LL GO DANCE WITH HER!
(GALINDA dances with ELPHABA and magically, no one hates ELPHABA, her greenness, or her hat anymore. I guess from here on on out, it's smooth sailing for her.)
ELPHABA AND GALINDA’S DORM ROOM
GALINDA: Since we’re friends now, let’s tell secrets! My secret is that I lurve Fiyero, and we’re gonna get married and have lots of babies, only I’m not gonna get fat, and we’re gonna be rich, and be all hot even when we’re 100 because Fiyero + Galinda = 4EVAH! What’s your secret?
ELPHABA: My greenness made my mother take some bad herbs that killed her in child birth and crippled my sister. My dad hates me and all I have to remember my mother is this bottle of Ecto-Plasm Date Rape Potion.
GALINDA: ...I’m gonna give you a makeover!
CLASS, THE NEXT DAY
(GALINDA gave ELPHABA a makeover! Let’s see if anyone notices.)
FIYERO: Wow, you changed your outfit!
ELPHABA: He noticed!
DR. DILLAMOND: Class, today’s lesson is on government oppression. Example A: Me getting fired and forcibly dragged out of the room while I cry indignantly. (gets dragged out) QUESTION EVERYTHING! DON’T TRUST ANYONE OVER THIRTY! Watch the horns, pal. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERRRRREEEE!!!!
ELPHABA: Hmmm, something doesn’t seem right about this.
NEW TEACHER: Hi kids! I’m your new government-appointed teacher. Today’s lesson: the affects of syringes on an adorable baby lion.
ADORABLE BABY LION: Eek!
ELPHABA: MY HEART OF GOLD™ WON’T STAND FOR THIS! PETRIFICUS EVERYONEUS!
FIYERO: Hey, Elphie, you forgot to freeze me.
ELPHABA: Just grab the kittie and RUN LIKE HELL!
SOME WOODS NEAR SHIZZWARTS
(After rescuing the adorable lion cub, ELPHABA and FIYERO have A MOMENT)
FIYERO: So...I gotta go. (leaves)
(A gentle rain of teenage longing falls on ELPHABA while she sings a song, and she totally doesn’t melt. At all. Not even a little. I wonder if this will be important later?)
TWO-BY-FOUR OF FORESHADOWING: SMACK!
AUDIENCE: STOP THAT!
J.K. ROWLING: Eh, I’ve got enough money. Why sue? Besides, it’s not like any of my books got turned into screaching pop operas.
GREGORY MAGUIRE: What was that? I can’t hear you with all these hundreds in my ears.
(ELPHABA is going to the Emerald City to start an internship with THE WIZARD, because apparently after a semester of sorcery class, she’s ready.)
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS GALINDA: Have fun in the Emerald City, Elphie! I’ll be okay, here...with my boyfriend...who’s grown kinda distant...and has kinda stopped talking to me...
ELPHABA: (sigh) Do you want to come to the Emerald City with me?
GLINDA: Who? Me? Really, I...I’ve got a ticket and a suitcase packed. Let’s go!
EM CITY, OZ
(ELPHABA and GALINDA are immediately raped and shivved by ADEBISI. The end.)
GLINDA: Ooh, lookie! A puppet show.
GIANT PUPPETS: Gad about! Fall down! Whee!
ELPHABA: Dude, I’d just rather be raped and shivved.
GIANT WIZARD HEAD OF DOOM: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!!
ELPHABA: Um, why don’t you talk to the nice giant head, Glinda? You’re good with people.
GLINDA: I’m not the one you want! Eat her! Eat her!
(Then the GIANT WIZARD HEAD OF DOOM goes limp, and the real WIZARD steps out and he’s totally George Hearn!)
WIZARD: ELPHIE! It’s so nice to finally meet you! Would you like to pet my monkey?
WIZARD: No, I mean this monkey, right here. His name is Chistery.
CHISTERY, THE MONKEY: Ooh-ooh-ah-ah!
WIZARD: And look! You’re beloved teacher Madame Morrible is here.
GLINDA: Oh. Yay?
WIZARD: Tell you what, Elphie. How’s ‘bout I give you a test to, um, prove yourself. Yes. Cast a spell that will make Chistery fly. Don’t worry about getting it right the first time. I’ve got a few spare monkeys in the back if you blow him up.
WIZARD: And feel free to use this book, the Grimmery. It might help. Of course, it’s written in a dead language that no man alive can decifer, but you can give it the old college try.
(ELPHABA can read and understand the ancient dead language. CHISTERY starts writhing about in pain.)
CHISTERY: ACK! ACK!
ELPHABA: Omigod, he’s in pain!
WIZARD: No, no. He likes it.
CHISTERY: (sprouts wings)
WIZARD: Boo-yah, grandma! And check this out (pulls back a curtain to reveal a cage full of winged monkeys.) And with my race of supermonkies I will RULE THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHA!
ELPHABA: OMIGOD, YOU TRICKED ME! YOU’RE EVIL!
WIZARD: And yet, so loveable.
ELPHABA: MADAME MORRIBLE, DO SOMETHING!
MORRIBLE: Sphff. You’re barking up the wrong tree, Ferny.
ELPHABA: Fine, be that way! YOINK! (she grabs the Grimmery and she and GLINDA book it on out of there.)
A ROOFTOP IN OZ
ELPHABA: We are so screwed.
GLINDA: What do you mean “we”? I wasn’t the one who made a scene and snatched the Wizard’s Book of Magic Gibberish.
ELPHABA: Shut up! There’s gotta be something in here to help us escape. Aha! Here we go! BROOMUS LEVITUS!
(A nearby broom starts flying by itself. No, really. You think I’m making this up? The bloom is flying fo’ real, yo!)
ELPHABA: Awesome! Come on, Glinda! Let’s be a comically mismatched duo and fight crime and save the world TOGETHER! We’ll be GREEN GIRL AND WONDERBLONDE!
GLINDA: (kicks dirt, looks down)
GLINDA: ...I love you, man, but I’m going to stay here and, like, not be an enemy of the state.
ELPHABA: FINE! BE THAT WAY! (flies up)
GUARDS: (breaking in) Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a...flying...lizard...thing?
ELPHABA: NO! I’m SUPERALTO! SONICBELT: ON!
GUARDS, WUNCHKINS, AUDIENCE: AUGHHHHH!!! OUR EARS! WE SUBMIT! WE SUBMIT!
WIZARD: (shaking fist) I’LL GET YOU IN ACT TWO, SUPERALTO!
(Act One ends to the relief of the audience’s ravaged ear drums.)
(It is at this point that I notice the metal dragon perched atop the stage: a clever allusion to one of the narrative devices of the original novel. And if the rest of the show resembled the book in any way, this would mean something.)
MUSIC: DAH! DAH-DAH! DAH! DAH! DAH! DAAAAHHHH!
MY EARS: AHH, HOW WE BLEED!
(Sometime later: thanks to some clever spin-doctoring, ELPHABA is declared public enemy # 1, even though the worst thing she’s done is steal a book. GLINDA has been appointed Secretary of Shiny, and FIYERO is in charge of hunting down ELPHIE, despite never having revealed a knack for hunting anything.
The curtain opens as GLINDA does her best Eva Peron impression for the masses.)
GLINDA: Ozentinos! Ozentinos! We are scared shitless now...so let’s forget all this witch business and party!
FIYERO: Glinda, I don’t feel good about this whole witch-hunting thing. You and I both know that Elphie’s innocent.
GLINDA: I’m working on it, dear. Oh by the way, I told everyone we’re getting married. I hope you don’t mind.
HOUSE OF NESSA, MUNCHKINLAND
BOQ: Your cappucino, Miss Nessarose.
NESSA: Oh Boq, please. Call me “Nessa”.
BOQ: Forgive me, Miss Nessarose...
NESSA: I said SAY MY NAME, BITCH!
BOQ: Eek! (runs away)
VOICE FROM THE CUPBOARD: (singing:) I am the angel of music...Come to the angel of music...
ELPHABA: (emerging from cupboard) Hee hee! Oh, I love that one.
NESSA: No fair stealing from other musicals!
ELPHABA: Nes, this whole show is stolen from other musicals. How you chillin’ Wheeley?
NESSA: Oh, I’m alright. I’ve enslaved the Munchkin race, so that’s going really well.
ELPHABA: Nice. So, how’s about you clearing my name, since you have all this power?
NESSA: I dunno...that would involve making a speech, which would involve wheeling out for a press conference, and my arms are pretty tired...
ELPHABA: Oh, fine. LEGGO REPARO!
(NESSA’s silver shoes turn ruby red and she stands up on shaky legs to take her first steps.)
FRANK L. BAUM: (bawling) WHYYYYYY?!?!?!
T.S. ELLIOT: I know how you feel, man.
CASA DE NESSA
NESSA: Boq, check this out! I’m walking!
BOQ: (running in) Oh, this is wonderful!
NESSA: I know!
BOQ: Now I can leave and go ask out Glinda!
ELPHABA: Uh oh.
BOQ: Yeah. You see, Nessa, I never really loved you, but your passive-aggression and my complete lack of balls conspired to keep me here as your servant. I stayed because I felt bad for you, especially since everything in Munchkinland is on an incline. But now that you can walk, I don’t feel guilty anymore! So, I’m just going to go now, if that’s okay with you?
BOQ: Um, is it okay, Nessa?
NESSA: (eyeball twitch)
BOQ: You’re going to hurt me, aren’t you?
(NESSA yanks the Grimmery out of ELPHABA’s hands.)
ELPHABA: Nessa, wait! We’ve clearly established that only I can read the magical gobbility gook.
NESSA: CARDIO SHRINKO!
ELPHABA: Well, I’ll be damned.
(NESSA’s spell works a little too well.)
BOQ: (clutching chest) GAH! My heart! It’s...shrinking!
ELPHABA: Oh no! Now he’ll have no heart, and no balls!
NESSA: Elphie, this is all your fault!
ELPHABA: Me? What did I do?
NESSA: GAH! FIX IT! FIX IT!
ELPHABA: Okay! Okay! Damn.
(ELPHABA pulls BOQ behind the cupboard to do do that voodoo that she do so well. She returns to NESSA.)
ELPHABA: It’s alright, he’s not dying anymore.
NESSA: Is he going to be alright?
NESSA: ...What do you mean?
ELPHABA: Well...the good news is, you’ve now got some extra storage space.
ELPHABA: Gotta go!
(ELPHABA leaves and there is clanking from behind the cupboard, a figure emerges...ELPHABA turned BOQ into THE TIN MAN! )
AUDIENCE: NOW IT ALL...makes...sense? Buh?
THE ROOM WITH THE GIANT WIZARD HEAD
ELPHABA: Release the monkeys, or get an assful of broom!
WIZARD: Okay (releases monkeys)
ELPHABA: Wow, that was easy.
WIZARD: You see, I’m not such a bad guy. Sure, I’ve enslaved a couple of primates, and maybe I have oppressed a few peoples...but I’m really just a big ol’ softie.
WIZARD: So how about we put this whole “revolution” business behind us and just be friends?
ELPHABA: Well...hey, what’s that in the corner?
ELPHABA: That bag.
WIZARD: What bag?
ELPHABA: That bag that’s moving.
WIZARDS: What’s moving?
ELPHABA: Okay, now I’m really calling shenanigans. (opens bag) OH MY GOD, IT’S DOCTOR DILLAMOND!
DR. DILLAMOND: BAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!
ELPHABA: Doctor, what have they done to you?
DR. DILLAMOND: BAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAHHH!!!
ELPHABA: Why won’t you speak? SPEAK, DAMNIT!
DR. DILLAMOND: Baaahhhaaa?
ELPHABA: (to WIZARD) YOU EVIL BASTARD SUMBITCH!
FIYERO: (running in) ELPHIE! I’LL SAVE YOU!
ELPHABA: Wait, save me from what?
GLINDA: (running in) Snookums! We’ve got guests waiting and...have I...interrupted something?
FIYERO: Glinda, I can’t marry you. I’m in love with Elphaba.
GLINDA: You are?
ELPHABA: You are?
FIYERO: Yes, and I’m going with her! Sorry that we went behind your backs like this.
ELPHABA: Wait, when did we go behind her back?
FIYERO: Let us fly my darling! (They escape.)
GLINDA: Wait! You can’t go off with her! You can’t! Fiyero + Glinda = 4EVAH! I even wrote it in my diary! (weeps)
WIZARD: Them’s the brakes, kid. Care for some Ecto-plasm?
FOREST OF BOOTY
(FIYERO and ELPHABA retire to the woods for a well earned, inevitable ”duet”.)
BOOK FANS: FINALLY, A PORNY BIT!
DAUGHTER: Mommy, what’s going on?
MOM: Well, honey, when a composer and a book writer really love each other and they want to make a musical, they write a “love duet”. It’s a beautiful thing, usually, but sometimes it’s painful. And when it’s overwritten, it can be very painful. But in the end, everyone is so happy with the duet, they forget about the pain and the obvious lyrics and the plot stalling.
DAUGHTER: Oh. Mommy? Can I write a duet?
(At this point the music has raped my ears beyond all repair, and I can’t remember a damn thing that happens next. Something about MADAME MORRIBLE and GLINDA and THE WIZARD conspiring to kill NESSA. DOROTHY shows up, but we never actually see her, NESSA dies from smush, ELPHABA and GLINDA talk smack and fight, FIYERO tries to intervene but gets captured for his trouble. ELPHABA tries to cast a spell to save his life, but it probably doesn’t work and she’s really, really, really pissed.)
AN ANTI-WITCH RALLY
WUNCHKINS: BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!
BOQ: She turned me into this walking monstrosity!
A LION: She took away my courage!
SOME WUNCHKIN: She turned me into a newt!
SOME WUNCHKIN: ...I got better.
WUNCHKINS: ...KIIIIILLLLL HEEERRR!!!
GLINDA: (watching all this from a balcony) But this isn’t true at all! Madame Morrible, you must tell the truth and save Elphie!
MORRIBLE: Hon, have you even been watching this musical?
ELPHABA’S SUPER-SECRET HIDEOUT
OFF-STAGE DOROTHY: WAAAAAHHHHH!!!
GLINDA: (entering) Let the little girl go! And her dog, Dodo, or Frodo, or what’s-his-name!
ELPHABA: How did you find my hide out?
GLINDA: I...Googled it?
DELIVERY MONKEY: Express Air Mail for Elphaba!
ELPHABA: Thanks (tips him a banana)
DELIVERY MONKEY: Cheapskate.
ELPHABA: (reads note) Oh no. I’ve lost.
GLINDA: Wait, you have?
ELPHABA: Yes. I’m done for.
GLINDA: But, I haven’t arrested you or anything. You could still sick your flying monkeys on me, or turn me into an acorn, or something.
ELPHABA: No, it’s too late. The jig, she is up. Here, take the Grimmery. Keep fighting the good fight, but promise me you will never clear my name of any wrongdoing, because that would make too much sense.
GLINDA: (tearfully) Okay.
ELPHABA: Here, hide behind this ginormous curtain so I can die in sillhouette.
(She does so. We see the shadows of guards fighting ELPHABA and DOROTHY douses her with a fatal bucket of watery death. ELPHIE melts. All that’s left of here is a fugly, pointy hat.)
BOOK FANS: Well, at least they kept something from the book.
THAT ROOM WITH THE HEAD
GLINDA: (busting in on MORRIBLE and THE WIZARD) I’m here to drink Ecto-Plasm and kick ass, and you’ve got plenty of Ecto-Plasm.
WIZARD: Yeah, so?
GLINDA: So, I’ve only ever seen that stuff once before: with Elphaba, who’s carried it with her her entire life. I’ve put zero and zero together and figured it out: YOU’RE ELPHABA’S REAL FATHER!
GLINDA: Yeah, so I’m taking over this here operation. There’s a new sherriff in town. Enjoy prison, you two. Have a party for me.
MORRIBLE: I hate you so very, very much.
GLINDA: Ya think?
A NEW ERA
(Some Winkies or Munchkins or Wunchkins are getting their dance on. Celebration! Awkward choreography! Omigod, the musical has lapped itself! IT’S STARTING OVER AGAIN! NOOOOO!!!
A STRAW MAN wanders over to the fugly hat. He picks it up and knocks on the floor.)
STRAW MAN: You can come out now.
ELPHABA: (pushes open the trap door)
BOOK FANS: (start foaming at the mouth)
ELPHABA: Are they all gone, Fiyero?
BOOK FANS: (heads explode)
FIYERO: Everything’s going to be okay now. Do I...look funny?
ELPHABA: No, but...we might have an issue with “chaffing”.
(All the Wunchkins are still celebrating as GLINDA woefully hangs from her bubble wand clutching the book of spells that she can’t read. In the end, pretty did not win over “different” and subtley definately did not win over blatant symbolism. The audience rubs their battered heads, step over the bodies of the BOOK FANS and go home.)
ONE MONTH LATER
AUDIENCE: (finishing Gregory Maguire’s novel) ...Hey!
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