Lestat: Decomposed (brought to you by Dana)

Lestat
music by Elton John
lyrics by Bernie Taupin
book by Linda Woolverton
based on the novels by Anne Rice

Notes: Could it be? Did Amanda actually get off her lazy ass and write another Decomposition? No, not really. But her friend Dana relayed this incredible synopsis of Elton John's latest stab at credibility (just put the knife down, Elty. You'll put someone's eye out.). Enjoy, gentle reader.

ACT I:

DANA: Okay. So, Lestat's all "I killed wolves it was awesome see my knife I stabbed them with it let me smear the blood on my knife all over my face and orgasm over how wonderful it was". So that's the first song. Then the first scene is "Hey ma! I killed a pack of wolves!" "Oh my God Lestat you're nuts!" "Hey Dad! I killed a pack of wolves!" "You weirdo you're messed up like your mom!" (hits Lestat) "Hey dad! you suck! Mom! Dad sucks cuz he hits us! I'm going to Paris!" Cut to Paris: backstage at a theatre and Lestat finds his childhood "friend". "Oh my God! Lestat I've missed you! Glad you're here! Come sleep at my place!" Cut to Nicholas' place "Oh P.S. I have a twin bed" "That's okay, cuz dude I've always had a crush on you" "Me too" "Play your violin for me" Then all of a sudden a random voice and special rippling lighting effect: "LESTAT!!!" "Dude did you hear that? Someone called my name!" "Dude you're nuts" "Dude--I'm going for a walk...at 3 a.m. in 17th century Paris" Lestat walks thru a mysterious alleyway and keeps hearing his name. Suddenly, this weird dude comes out of nowhere. "Dude why do you keep saying my name?" "Because I choose you! Say you want it!" "Dude I am not having sex with you" "No dummy! I want to suck your blood!" "Dude--ok!" Weird dude bites Lestat's neck, tells him to beware the fire, and then jumps into a magical pit of fire that just suddenly appears. (bad special effect where you see the dude take a ride on the elevator behind the flame) Lestat runs away and starts biting people's necks. Oh P.S.- to become a vampire they have to not only have their neck bitten but the victim needs to basically then drink the blood out of the vampire's wrist. REALLY F***ED UP. Okay, so then cut to Lestat's mom in Paris visiting Nicholas: "I always knew you boys would move to Paris together and have a wonderfully illicit love affair". Basically, Mommy loves her little psycho wolf-killing fruit cake. "Yadiyada where's Lestat I am getting sooo sick" "Yadiyada I don't know I haven't seen him for days". Lestat sneaks in, sees Mommy, and Nicholas freaks and runs away. Next scene I can recall is in Mommy's hotel room. She's suddenly about 90 and freaking DYING. Lestat comes to visit. "My son? I'm so sick I'm blind I can't see you". So, then he says "Hey ma, I'm a vampire as of a last night" and she goes "oh good; make me one too" and he's like "are you crazy wench?" and she goes "JUST DO IT DAMMIT!" so then Lestat bites Mom's neck and she sucks the blood out of his wrist and she's like "WHOOPIE!!! I'M ALIVE!!" and Lestat's like "Mom you need to take it easy" and Mom's like "dude--I'm not your mom--I'M AWESOME!". So then something goes on--can't remember what exactly. Oh! I remember! Mom goes crazy and wants to suck EVERYONE's blood, and Lestat's like "chill woman you're making me crazy" and she goes "hey! Let's play a game with God! Let's go into the church!" and Lestat's like "you're nuts", but they do, like dumbasses. So, they're goofing off and being blasphemous up the wazoo, and suddenly this dude appears and is like "hey! You're gonna get all us vampires f***ed! Come with me before I freaking find a magical firepit to throw you in!" So they follow this guy, and it turns out he's this freak who has his own gang of vampires who he emotionally abuses cuz he's messed like that. And he's like "you don't get it! We're messed up and can never leave this cemetary ever! You freaks!" and they're like "we're not the freaks! YOU'RE the freaks!" "No you are!" "No you are!" "Nuh-uh!" "Yuh-huh!" and so on and so forth. And then Lestat and Mommy prove Nutso Guy is nutso and all the vampires suddenly go "hey! We can go out in public at night! Let's become actors and start our own weird-ass miming theatre troupe!" So they do. And suddenly this weird-ass mime play is put on and someone narrates it and there are lots of masks and random fabric everywhere and someone named Marius is mentioned. Oh! And somewhere in there Weirdo Freak Boy tells Lestat "hey Lestat, why don't you turn your boyfriend into a vampire?" and Lestat goes "no! Cuz I love him!" and Nicholas goes "no! I want to be with you! Make me one too!" So Lestat tries and something happens and he winds up f***ing Nicholas up instead. So Nicholas is now a retarded vampire who can only play the violin and Lestat is like "Nicky my love! I will find this weird and elusive Marius who is all powerful and we will save you!". So he takes his retarded violin-playing boyfriend and takes Mommy and they go by foot all over freaking Eurasia looking for this Marius dude who of course never shows up and one day Mommy goes "dude--you need to leave Retarded Violin-Playing Vampire Boy alone cuz he's holding us back" P.S. she's dressed like a man by this point and actually has been since before the church bit. Like that was her first thing as a vampire: put on man's clothes. Cuz I guess she really wants to be a gay man, so she's like "dude you're on your own--you're going without me" but Lestat's like "Mommy I love you" (makeout) WTF?? So she leaves and Lestat goes "oh well--she's right!" (MAGIC PIT OF FIRE APPEARS) and Lestat goes "dude--you're too much baggage--we're breaking up" (dumps RV-PVB into fire; bad special effect where we see him stand up behind the "wall o' flames" to take a ride on the elevator) Magic Fire goes away, Lestat tosses ashes, gets pissy, sings a song about it. All of a sudden--ROCK PARTS--THERE'S MARIUS!! and Lestat goes "MARIUS! YOU F***ER!" End Act 1.

ACT II:

DANA: Lestat and Marius are fishing, cuz you know that's what vampires do. They fish, but they don't eat the fish. They play "let's throw them back". So they're fishing and Lestat is like "dude why'd you f*** up?" and Marius is like "eh, I wanted to" and Lestat is like "dude so what's the deal? Especially with Weirdo Freakazoid and his gang?" and Marius is like "dude I made him and I F***ED UP!" so we realize that Weirdo Freakazoid who thinks he's Marius' little angel is actually Marius' big mistake--SUCKS TO BE HIM. Anyways, Lestat goes "dude--my mom thinks she's a gay man and has run off, I just tossed my retarded violin-playing boyfriend into a pit of fire, and you showed up after the fact--NOW WHAT?" And Marius goes "eh--go to America?" So Lestat goes "okay" and he does. He gets to New Orleans and it's raunchy as hell and Lestat goes "Oh yeah--daddy's gonna have a good time!" so he goes and he sees some poor drunk sap and goes "dude! what's wrong?? Get yourself laid or something!" and the guy goes "I just failed at committing suicide" and Lestat goes "oh well--then I'll suck your blood" and turns him into a vampire and Lestat's like "sweet! I have a new boyfriend! But something's missing in my life" and then he sees a sick girl in the streets and goes "honey what's wrong?" and she goes "my parents are dead and I'm dying" and Lestat goes "I'll be your new daddy--hell you can have 2 daddies!" so he turns her into a vampire and then I'm not sure what but suddenly we jump and everyone's settled and comfortable and we find out that Claudia has killed every staff member in the house and has a mountain full of dolls and we find out she's a sick little f*** cuz she sings this whole song about wanting more and Lestat is like "dudes--chill--life is sweet" and Louis (new bf) is like "dude no it's not" and Claudia's like "Daddy 2 is right--you suck as a daddy" and it's ball season so Louis and Lestat say "hey! Hunting season! Yay!" and take Claudia and go dancing. Claudia admits she's 12 but in love with Louis and then gets an idea: she drugs this random chick and takes her back home so Lestat goes for it and it winds up almost killing him... but it doesn't so she goes "f***er! You're supposed to die!" so she lights a fire and her and Louis run out of the house and they disappear and Lestat gets jaded and decides "f*** America! I'm going back home to Europe!" so he storms off back to Europe and goes to the theatre and they're doing "Dracula" (oooh soo ironic) and guess who's there? Lestat goes "F***ERS TRIED TO KILL ME!!" but Weirdoboy McFreaky is also there and goes "so we'll kill them!" and Louis points at Claudia and goes "dudes! It's all her! I didn't know any better!" so they strap her into a chair during the sunrise: bye bye Claudia. Louis...crap I can't remember what happens to him, but Lestat and W.M. wind up on the roof somehow and Lestat goes "Marius doesn't love you!" and W.M. goes "does too!" "does not!" "yuh-huh!" "nah-uh!" "really?" "yup" "DAMMIT!" and then they fight and I can't remember what happens but Weirdo Freakazoid McBoogly-butt dies and Lestat is like "YES! VICTORY IS MINE! I'M THE MAN!" but actually he's kind of not cuz he fell or something and his legs are "broken" but he's a dumbass and forgets that he lives forever cuz he's a vampire! And suddenly Marius and crazy Mommy are there going "yes Lestat! You can walk! Get up! Be the glorious vampire you were meant to be!" and then all of a sudden Lestat comes out in like a red button-down shirt and jeans and is like "I'm still here bitches! and I'm not going anywhere!" AAAAAND....CURTAIN!

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