Les Miserables: Decomposed

Les Miserables
by Claude-Michel Schoenberg and Alain Boubil
parody based on the Broadway production (1999)
Notes: Schoenberg and Boubil were two crazy bastards to think that Victor Hugo's gigantic epic of death and morality would be a great basis for a musical. Cameron Mackintosh was an even crazier bastard to think that English-speaking audiences would dig it. Against all odds and reason, though, it worked. "Les Miserables" is here to stay. Take that, CATS!
I do love the show. I have to. If I didn't love it, I'd be tarred, feathered, and excomunicated from the American theatrical community. So please, spare me the hate mail.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy my attempt at condensing a mammoth show based on a mammoth book.

DIGNE, FRANCE 1815

(A MISERABLE prison full of MISERABLE prisoners who work as a MISERABLE chain gang.)

PRISONERS: Dieu! We are so miserable. Such is life, no?

(And then INSPECTOR JAVERT enters, and he is “le bitch”.)

JAVERT: Bring me Prisoner 24601... (reads from scroll) “Valjean, Je...” Whoah.
VALJEAN: What is it?
JAVERT: Your parents named you “Jean Valjean”? No wonder you ended up in jail.
VALJEAN: Tell me about it.
JAVERT: Anyway, you’ve served your sentence. Your a free man...except for the part where you have to present this ticket wherever you go to let everyone know you’re an ex-con. Have fun trying to make an honest living.
VALJEAN: DUDE, THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!
JAVERT: It’s more than you deserve, you foul, murdering, rapist...
VALJEAN: I stole a loaf of bread!
JAVERT: Just stay out of trouble. I’LL BE WATCHING YOU!
VALJEAN: Oh yeah? Well then, watch my French ass as it disappears over the horizon. I’m outta here!
PRISONERS: SO MISERABLE!

(VALJEAN tries to make it in the world; for some reason no one wants to hire a convicted criminal.)

VALJEAN: But, I’m a hard worker! I’m strong, fit...
FARM OWNER: I don’t hire no criminals! I runs a clean bizness here! Get offa my property!
VALJEAN: (grumble, grumble, toil, grumble, suffering, grumble.)
FARM OWNER: AND KEEP OUT THE HELL OUT!

(Life: she is a thoughtless bitch, no?

Things get worse for VALJEAN, but then a kindly BISHOP takes pity on him.)

BISHOP: I will give you supper and then you can spend the night here.
VALJEAN: SCORE!
BISHOP: While you finish eating, I’m gonna turn in. Do you mind putting away the lovely, expensive silver dishes away?
VALJEAN: Um...sure...no problem...I’ll just put them away...and I’m totally not going to jack them in the middle of the night.

(VALJEAN totally jacks the dishes in the middle of the night. He exits the BISHOP’s house with the stealth of a cat...who’s tail is on fire. He’s not very quiet, and he is nabbed. The jig, she is up. C’est la vie.)

SOME TOWNSPERSON: Oi, Bishop! We found this bearded guy running off with your silver plates.
ANOTHER TOWNSPERSON: He said you gave them to him as a gift.
BISHOP: Well, I’m afraid this man is lying...
TOWNSPEOPLE: HA!
BISHOP: ...because I also gave him these silver candlesticks, but he must have forgotten them in his haste.
TOWNSPEOPLE: ...Oh.
BISHOP: Thanks for your help, anyway. Bless you all and stuff.

(exeunt TOWNSPEOPLE.)

BISHOP: Well, son, seems like I just served you a heaping spoonful of humility.
VALJEAN: Tastes like...burning.
BISHOP: Damn right. Well, you know what to do now. My work here is done. BISHOPMAN, AWAY!

(BISHOPMAN flies away. We never see him again, but rest assured that if ever a citizen is in need of moral guidance, BISHOPMAN will be there.)

VALJEAN: Holy cripe! What kind of man have I turned into? I’ve got toturn my life around. I’m going to become a better man...BY BREAKING PAROLE!

(Makes sense. In some countries...France being one of them. I guess.

Anyway, we flash forward a couple years later to another town Americans have never heard of. The poor whine and complain and kvetch, and I’m guessing that these are “Les Miserables”?)

1823, MONTREUIL-SUR-MER

LES MISERABLES: We’re poor! We’re cold! It sucks to be us!

(But the cries of the downtrodden go unheard by Cameron Mackintosh, who sits high above the world on a pile of cash and prostitutes. We move from “Les Miserables” to “Other Miserables”: A blonde factory worker named FANTINE is getting sexually harassed by the FOREMAN while her coworkers gossip about her. And I thought temping sucked. Rebuffed, the FOREMAN tosses a letter at FANTINE, which she reads eagerly.)

BITCHY COWORKER: Ooh, what’s in the letter, Fantine?
FANTINE: Piss off.
BITCHY COWORKER: Is it from a secret admirer?
FANTINE: I said, piss off.
BITCHY COWORKER: (reading:) “Dear Fantine, Your secret, illigitimate daughter is sick, so please send us more money to buy her ‘medicine’.”
FANTINE: Alright, bitch! NOW IT’S ON!

(FANTINE uncorks a bottle of Le Whoop-Ass. Catfight! The fight gets so out of hand that it attracts the attention of the factory’s owner...OH MY GOD, IT’S JEAN VALJEAN!)

VALJEAN: Break it up! Now, I want you all to settle down, because in addition to owning this factory I am also the mayor...just in case you all forgot. And since I am the owner of this factory and the mayor, I simply do not have time to sort this out myself. Oi, Foreman!
FOREMAN: Yo.
VALJEAN: You got any personal hang ups with either of these two ladies?
FOREMAN: None that I’ll admit.
VALJEAN: Sweet. Settle this fight for me. I’ve got to get back to owning the factory and being the mayor. (he leaves)
BITCHY COWORKER: Ooh! Mr. Foreman! Fantine started the fight! She got mad because I found out about the secret illigitimate child she has.
FANTINE: Man, you are an unbelievable bitch!
FOREMAN: FANTINE, YOU LYING, SNEAKING WHORE-STRUMPET! I FIRE YOU BECAUSE OF MY PERSON HANG-UPS!
FACTORY WORKERS: HA-HA!

(FANTINE forlornly exits the factory.)

FANTINE: Well, this roundly sucks. I don’t think things can get any worse.

(Oh, but this show has only just started, and the title isn’t “Les Cheerfuls”. Let the Shame Parade begin...)

WHORES: SEX! SEX FOR SALE! GET US WHILE WE’RE HO-, YOUN-, DISEASE-FR-, ALIVE!
A CREEPY OLD LADY: Ooh, me likey your locket!
FANTINE: SOLD!
WHORES: (cough, cough)...moneyforsex ...(cough)...becomeawhore...(cough).
ANOTHER CREEPY OLD LADY: Your hair is so pretty...
FANTINE: Um, thanks?
ANOTHER CREEPY OLD LADY: So pretty...so pretty...
FANTINE: Look, do you want to buy? Because you’re starting to freak me out.
ANOTHER CREEPY OLD LADY: Ten Francs?
FANTINE: Done and done.
WHORES: Uh, hello? Are you going to join us or not, because we might do better in a different location.
FANTINE: I have no daughter, no money, no locket, and no hair...you expect me to give up my dignity, too?

(Pause)

FANTINE: Oh, what the hell. Rouge me, girls.

(So, FANTINE becomes a whore. Insert your own joke about French whores here.

In the next scene, some RICH ASS checks out FANTINE.)

RICH ASS: Hey, baby! Looking for a good time?
FANTINE: Not with you, ass.
RICH ASS: But I’m willing to pay good money for some sucky-sucky!
FANTINE: I may be desperate, but even I have my limits.
RICH ASS: WHORE! I WANT SUCKY-SUCKY AND I WANT IT NOW!
FANTINE: GET OFF ME, ASS!

(FANTINE smacks him. The RICH ASS cries. JAVERT decides now would be a good time to get off his ass and mess up someone else’s life, so he comes back into the story.)

JAVERT: Okay, what seems to be the trouble around here?
RICH ASS: Inspector! I was just walking along not looking for sucky-sucky, when out of nowhere this whore attacks me!
JAVERT: Woo-hoo! Somebody to arrest! Now, come quiety, whore, or-
VALJEAN: (entering) What’s going on around here?
JAVERT: Oh, nothing, Mayor. Just arresting this whore who attacked this innocent rich ass.
FANTINE: WAH! I was a good girl before! And then a horrible, mean, no-good guy seduced me and left me preggers, so I gave my child away to some innkeeper and his wife, and I give them all the money I have, and then the world ignored my plight, and then I got fired, and then I sold everything I owned including myself, and now I’m going to lose my freedom because of a cold, unfeeling society refused to recognize my plight.

(FANTINE collapses under the weight of Victor Hugo’s allegory.)

VALJEAN: Oh no! We’ve got a sick whore on our hands! She needs to go to a hospital!
JAVERT: But...don’t I...don’t I get to arrest her?
VALJEAN: You: shut up. Hospital: NOW!

(FANTINE is carried off.)

JAVERT: (sulks) Don’t I get to arrest anyone today?
VALJEAN: (silence)

(And then...)

PANICKY TOWNSFOLK: RUN! RUN! RUNAWAY PLOTPOINT! EVERYONE RUN AS SLOW AS YOU CAN!

(A big-ass cart tumbles down the street...or so we’re told. Everyone runs in slow-motion until...)

VALJEAN: Oh no! Some Guy got run over by the cart!
TOWNSFOLK: OH NO! NOT SOME GUY!
VALJEAN: We’ve got to lift this massive, heavy cart and save him!

(Pause.)

VALJEAN: Will no one save this man?!

(Long pause; TOWNSFOLK look away and whistle.)

VALJEAN: Oh, FINE!

(VALJEAN lifts the heavy cart all by hisself.)

JAVERT: Damn. That’s hardcore.

(Finally, SOME GUY is pulled out from under the Cart of Doom.)

JAVERT: That was some pretty impressive lifting, Monsieur Madelaine.

(Pause)

JAVERT: ...Monsieur Madelaine?
VALJEAN: Oh right! That’s me! Why, thank you, Inspector. And that was some pretty impressive slow-motion running.
JAVERT: You know, I’ve only known one other man with that kind of strength. Have you ever heard of a man named Jean Valjean?
VALJEAN: (quickly) I ONLY STOLE A LOAF OF BREAD!
JAVERT: (confused look) ...Come again?
VALJEAN: I said “Valjean? I’m pretty sure he’s dead.”
JAVERT: Oh, no way. We arrested him yesterday.
VALJEAN: WHA-???
JAVERT: Of course, there is no actual evidence to convict him, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy. Anyway, his trial is today, in case you feel like stopping by and, I dunno, point and laugh, or something.
VALJEAN: Yeah. Sure. Sounds like fun.

(Exit Javert.)

VALJEAN: Oh crap. What do I do now? If I stay silent, an innocent man will go to jail. But, if I confess, everyone at my factory will be out of a job.
GOD: Yeah. I’m sure this has everything to do with keeping your workers happy and nothing to do with you going back to jail.
VALJEAN: Well, that is true, however-
GOD: Boy, don’t make me come down there.
VALJEAN: Okay, fine! I’m going already! Jesus Christ!
GOD: Don’t take my son’s name in vain.
VALJEAN: Jeezie-Creezie, I’m going.

(VALJEAN breaks into the courtroom amidst gasps and high notes.)

VALJEAN: Javert, you’re sending the wrong man to jail! I’m the man you seek: Jean Valjean, Prisoner 24601! (rips open shirt, and displays bad-ass prison tattoo.)
JAVERT: ...DAMNIT!

(In the confusion, VALJEAN escapes to the hospital where FANTINE is dying of Consumption, or Plot Contrivance, or something.)

FANTINE: Promise me you’ll take care of my daughter.
VALJEAN: Sure thing.
FANTINE: Do you want me to tell you what town she’s in?
VALJEAN: No, I’m pretty sure I can find it myself.
FANTINE: Well, do you want to know the name of the people who are looking after her?
VALJEAN: Nope. I’ll find them, somehow.
FANTINE: Do you at least want to know what she looks like?
VALJEAN: She’s blonde like you, right?
FANTINE: Acccckkk, death rattle, nnnnggghhh

(And the merciless “Les Miserables” has claimed its first victim. JAVERT enters.)

JAVERT: Ha! 24601, you will come with me now!
VALJEAN: Javert, wait! I know I broke the law and stuff, but you’ve got to give me time to help the illegitimate child of this poor woman who died before she could prove or disprove my story.

(Pause.)

VALJEAN: You’ve got to believe me!
JAVERT: You must think I have the mental capacity of a baguette! Nineteen more years of prison bitchery for you!
VALJEAN: Well, I could go with you, serve part of my sentence, and then escape when I fake my death during a complicated ship-bound rescue...or, I could beat the ever-loving snot out of you.

(VALJEAN beats the ever loving snot out of JAVERT and escapes.

MONTFURMEIL: the inn of the THENARDIERS who have been taking care of LITTLE COSSETTE. If by “taking care of” you mean “forcing unpaid labor upon”, that is.)

LITTLE COSSETTE: Oh, how I wish I could escape this awful place and go to a castle on a cloud where I could play with nice children and such. Le sigh.
MADAME THENARDIER: GO INTO THE WOODS AND GET ME SOME WATER!
LITTLE COSSETTE: Damn, you look like shit.
MADAME THENARDIER: Life is shit: inhale that slowly. WATER NOW!

(Poor LITTLE COSSETTE scampers into the dark, dark woods in search of water.

Meanwhile, back at the inn:)

MONSIEUR THENARDIER: Hi! I’m the Master of the House. Even though I rip people off and am twelve kinds of evil, everyone loves me!
PATRONS: We love you, Master of the House! Rip us off some more!
MONSIEUR THENARDIER: What can I say? I loves all the people.

(LITTLE COSSETTE meets a stranger in the woods)

LITTLE COSETTE: Hi. Who are you?
VALJEAN: I’m here to take you away with only the noblest of intentions.
LITTLE COSETTE: Oh. Okay.

(And LITTLE COSSETTE goes off with a stranger, which you should always do, especially if they have candy.)

VALJEAN: Good evening Monsier Thenardier. It’s nice to meet you. And where is Madame Thenardier?
MADAME THENARDIER: I am Madame Thenardier.
VALJEAN: Yikes.
MONSIEUR THENARDIER: What do you want?
VALJEAN: I’m here to take Cossette away.
MONSIEUR THENARDIER: Take away our baby?! NOOO!!! HOW WILL WE EVER REPLACE HER?!
VALJEAN: Will fifteen hundred franks fill the void?
MONSIEUR THENARDIER: Sure will! YOINK!
VALJEAN: Come, Cossette. Let us make a better life for ourselves...in Paris!

(PARIS, 1832, THE BETTER LIFE...which is full of beggars and hookers and appears to be made up entirely of broken furniture.

And just when you thought we didn’t have enough characters in the story: enter GAVROCHE, the precocious (annoying) Artful Dodger-type kid...also, EPONINE, the THENARDIERS’ teenage daughter who likes to run around the street in her underwear...also also ENJOLRAS and MARIUS who have nothing to do other than look pensive and handsome.)

MARIUS: Damn, am I ever pensive. And handsome.
ENJOLRAS: Any day now Lamarque will die and we will fight for our cause.
MARIUS: Wait, what’s our cause again?

(Suddenly, VALJEAN goes by with gown-up COSSETTE.)

COSSETTE: (sees Marius) Hey, who’s the pensive-looking hottie over there?
MARIUS: (sees Cossette) Whoah! Looks like God sent down a little peice of heaven on a doily!
EPONINE: (nervously) Where? All I see is a brunette hag with an old Irish tenor.
THENARDIER: (disguised as a begger, to VALJEAN) Hey, haven’t I seen you before?
VALJEAN: (sees JAVERT enter) Nope. Bye!

(VALJEAN grabs COSSETTE and leaves. MARIUS is smitten, and ENJOLRAS has to take over his “pensive duties”. EPONINE pines. JAVERT misses VALJEAN again, so he sings a song about stars.

Yes. Stars.

Monsieur Bad-Ass Mofo Inspector JAVERT likes stars.

Whatever.

Anyway, ENJOLRAS is holding a meeting with some STUDENTS. Wine flows like water while they talk about philosophy and stuff. This is what college kids did before keggers were invented.)

ENJOLRAS: The time will come soon when we will fight for our cause!
SOME STUDENT: Um, what is our cause, again?

(Pause)

GAVROCHE: (entering) You guys! Lamarque is dead!
STUDENTS: OH NO! ...who’s Lamarque?
ENJOLRAS: Okay, I’ve just come to an excutive decision: REVOLUTION!
STUDENTS: Dude! Isn’t that a little bit extreme?
ENJOLRAS: Hey, what else are we going to do in this show?

(Pause)

STUDENTS: REVOLUTION!

(So, ENJOLRAS and the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION march through the streets bringing their cause to the downtrodden. The downtrodden seem to dig it, but I have a feeling that they care about as much as those hippies who wore “Free Mumia” buttons back in the late nineties.

But I guess it’s the spirit that counts.

MARIUS, however, is still totally crushing on COSSETTE, and EPONINE agrees to take him to her house, because she is a moron.)

COSSETTE: (praying in a garden) Oh God,? I am totally crushing on this guy? I don’t know his name, but I saw him for a good thirty seconds? Will you please send “Monsieur Guy” to me?
MARIUS: (falling into garden over fence:) Oof!
COSSETTE: THANK YOU!

(MARIUS and COSSETTE pledge eternal love. EPONINE whines. Suddenly, stuff happens on the other side of the fence. THENARDIER apparently is no longer Master of the House, but the Master of Robbing Someone Else’s House.)

THENARDIER: (arriving with thugs) Hey guys! This is Jean Valjean’s house! Let’s rob him!
SOME THUG: And how exactly did you find out where he lived or even his real name when you saw him for, like, a minute?
THENARDIER: Look, do you want to rob this house tonight, or waste a musical number going through nine years of backstory?
SOME THUG: Touche. Hand me a crowbar.
EPONINE: Hey guys.
THENARDIER: AHHHHHH!!!! WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!?!
THUGS: Dude, calm down! It’s only your daughter.
THENARDIER: Oh. Right. I knew that. Eponine, Daddy’s “working” right now. Why don’t you run along, and I’ll buy you some fancy underwear or something.
EPONINE: Yeah. I think not.
THENARDIER: ...I beg your pardon?
EPONINE: Um...don’t rob the house, Dad.
THENARDIER: ...WHAT???
THUGS: OH NO SHE DI’N!

(THENARDIER and EPONINE squabble like two starved hyenas over a zebra carcass, and the THUGS appreciate the free show from a safe distance . Finally, EPONINE screams and THENARDIER and co. run away peeing their pants.)

THENARDIER: (running away, peeing his pants) YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE SO GROUNDED! JUST WAIT ‘TIL I GET HOME AND TELL YOUR MOTHER!

(VALJEAN, who must have been listening to books on tape for the past ten minutes, finally rushes out to see what the problem is, and MARIUS hides because he no longer has pensiveness to protect him. COSSETTE makes up some story about screaming when she saw robbers.)

JEAN VALJEAN: Why, it must have been Javert! Cossette, based on your story I’ve decided that we must leave the country tomorrow!
COSSETTE: SONOFABITCH!
JEAN VALJEAN: What was that?
COSSETTE: I said, “I’ll be ready in a stitch”.
MARIUS: (cries)
EPONINE: Oh no. She is. leaving. How sad.

(VALJEAN and COSSETTE pack musically. EPONINE pines musically. The THENARDIERS scheme musically. JAVERT decides to take a break from fugitive-hunting and go undercover as the world’s oldest revolutionary...musically. MARIUS can’t decide what to do.)

MARIUS: I don’t know what to do!
ENJOLRAS: Want to join in our vague cause and march towards certain doom?
MARIUS: ...Musically?
ENJOLRAS: Is there any other way?
MARIUS: I’m in!

(So, MARIUS joins ENJOLRAS and the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION. Musically. All this musicality builds into one big cathartic moment that’s so exciting no one can understand what the hell anyone is singing. Act I finally ends. Phew!)

ACT II:

ENJOLRAS: Okay, gang. Let’s nail a bunch of random shit together and build a barricade to fight for our cause!
SOME REVOLUTIONARY: What’s our cause, again?
ENJOLRAS: Just shut up and hand me that nightstand.

(EPONINE sneaks in wearing a clever disguise which consists of a coat and some trousers. MARIUS asks her to bring COSSETTE a message. EPONINE agrees, because she is a moron. She brings the note which is intercepted by VALJEAN. EPONINE walks home mournfully singing of her love for MARIUS in a way that all teenage girls identify with. Man, will they be surprised when they read the book and find out that EPONINE is actually a crazy whore.

Meanwhile, ENJOLRAS and the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION have made a rather slap-dash baricade out of furniture. Sure, it’s ugly, but it can fit itself together like a Transformer, which is kind of cool.)

VOICE OF FRENCH SOLDIER: Here’s the deal: give up now, and we won’t kill you as much.
ENJOLRAS: Rot in hell, ya cheese-eating Royalist monkeys!
VOICE OF FRENCH SOLDIER: Hate the game, man. Not the playa.

(Undecover JAVERT tries to give ENJOLRAS some bad advice, until GAVROCHE outs him as a police spy. They tie him up. EPONINE climbs right over the barricade in a shower of bullets.)

EPONINE: Hey Marius!
MARIUS: EPONINE! Did you give Cossette the note?
EPONINE: No, but I did give it to some old guy. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a nap (collapses).
MARIUS: OH MY GOD! WHAT’S ALL THAT RED STUFF ON YOU???
JAVERT: Get used to it. You’ll be seeing a lot more of it soon.

(EPONINE dies in MARIUS’ arms. She sacrificed her life, because love is stronger and more powerful than...because she is a moron. A few REVOLUTIONARIES carry her body offstage to make room for all the corpses that will litter the barricade later in the show. Then, somebody else decides it would be a good idea to climb the barricade: JEAN VALJEAN! That man is everywhere.)

VALJEAN: I know that I’m an old guy wearing a French soldier’s uniform, but I want you to let me help you.
ENJOLRAS: You mean like we almost let that tied-up guy over there help us?
VALJEAN: Javert?
JAVERT: Oh shit.
ENJOLRAS: Tell you what, Old Dude. You can kill the spy, if you want to be useful.

(ENJOLRAS and the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION stare upstage to give VALJEAN a little privacy with the old ball-and-chain.)

JAVERT: Well, this day just keeps getting better and better.
VALJEAN: Oh, shut up. You’ve been nothing but a pain in the ass since the day I met you. (Cuts him free) Go take your upright obsessiveness somewhere else, ‘mkay?
JAVERT: Wait. Wait. You’re...you’re letting me go?
VALJEAN: Yup.
JAVERT: But...but...you’re supposed to kill me.
VALJEAN: Yeah, well, maybe tomorrow. Now get out of here.
JAVERT: ...buh?...whuh?
VALJEAN: What are you waiting for, an invitation? GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

(And so he does. The CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION turn around like they didn’t hear that entire exchange.)

ENJOLRAS: Okay, gang. Enough revolution for today. Let’s get bombed and pass out.
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: Now, this is a cause I can understand!
MARIUS: What do I care about getting drunk or dying tomorrow. Cossette is gone, and even though I knew her for about five minutes, she was the best thing to ever happen to me. (cries, sleeps)
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: (get bombed, pass out)
VALJEAN: God?
GOD: ‘Sup?
VALJEAN: God, let me die tomorrow if someone has to die, but please let this Marius kid live because he is so young.
GOD: Just Marius? What about those other students?
VALJEAN: Um, no thanks. I’m good.
GOD: Really? Because they’re all young, and they all have parents who lo-
VALJEAN: UNLESS EVERYONE ON THE BARRICADE IS SEXING UP MY FAKE DAUGHTER, I ONLY WANT YOU TO SAVE MARIUS.
GOD: Ohhhhh. Okay.

(Morning rises. The CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION wake up: time for a fresh day of death!)

SOME REVOLUTIONARY: Um, Enjolras? We’re out of bullets?
ENJOLRAS: WHO FORGOT TO PACK THE EXTRA BULLETS?!?!
ANOTHER REVOLUTIONARY: I couldn’t fit them in with the merlot.
ENJOLRAS: Well, someone is going to have to go out there and get extra bullets.

(Long pause.)

CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: NOT IT!
ENJOLRAS: You guys, I’m never revolting with you again.
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: (hang heads)
GAVROCHE: I’ll get the bullets! I’m the precocious (annoying) kid, and we all know that kids never die in musicals!

(Except this one, because GAVROCHE is gunned down in about thirty seconds. It’s very sad...I guess?)

CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?! THEY JUST SHOT A LITTLE KID!!!
ENJOLRAS: Hey, I didn’t tell him to go! He wasn’t even supposed to be here.
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: SHOT HIM RIGHT THERE!!!
ENJOLRAS: Look, this is war. And if we aren’t willing to die for a cause...
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: Man, SCREW YOU, ENJOLRAS! We’re spoiled, rich students with nothing better to do than hang out on a pile of broken furniture and shit, and it isn’t fun anymore! WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT OUR FRIGGIN’ CAUSE IS!
ENJOLRAS: Well, it’s...it’s complicated...It has something to do with red...and black...
CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION: WE WANNA GO HOOOOOOOME!!!

(Then, all hell breaks loose. Bullets are flying, the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION drop like flies. ENJOLRAS gets so pissed off that he grabs the red revolution flag, stands on top of the barricade and waves it like mad.)

ENJOLRAS: HIT ME! HIT ME! HIT ME, YOU MOTHER@#$%ERS! HIT ME!
FRENCH ARMY: Uh, okay. (hit him)

(The music becomes full of dischord and cluster tones. In musical theatre this can only mean certain death. All the CHILDREN OF THE REVOLUTION die, especially ENJOLRAS, whose body splays symbolically across the red flag.

It seems like the revolution is on hold for now. C’est la vie.

But wait! MARIUS is only mostly dead, and VALJEAN is even less dead. He carries MARIUS into the sewer, as per standard medical procedure. JAVERT, who isn’t dead at all, goes after them. JAVERT may have some abandonment issues.

In the sewer, THENARDIER is pulling gold teeth out of a corpse. Remember: he’s a bad guy. Don’t love him, no matter how funny he may be. He comes across MARIUS, picks his pocket, recognizes an unconcious VALJEAN and runs away. I’m sure this won’t turn up as a plot point sometime later.

VALJEAN gets his beaten ass up, swings mostly-dead MARIUS over his shoulder, and keeps on plugging away. He climbs out of the sewer.)

VALJEAN: I made it! I’m home free! Nothing can stop me now.
JAVERT: Hi.
VALJEAN: DAMNIT!
JAVERT: I just wanted to...can we talk about what happened on the barricade back there?
VALJEAN: Now is not really a good time.
JAVERT: But you could have killed me and gotten rid of me forever. Why didn’t you?
VALJEAN: Why? Because it was the decent thing to do! It’s called mercy: look into it. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get this boy some help before he goes from mostly-dead to all-dead.
JAVERT: But I...
VALJEAN: DAMNIT, DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS EVERY TIME? I’M LEAVING, YOU’RE STAYING, I’LL BE BACK: GOT IT?
JAVERT: Okay.

(exit VALJEAN.

JAVERT talks a walk along the River Seine to ponder the night’s events.)

JAVERT: Hmmmm. Mercy. Mer-cy. Mmmuurrrrsssee. What is “mercy”? Can you eat it? Does it make a noise? Is mercy that little dent between your nose and lip? Does it smell? Where do you find it? Under rocks? In water? Is it in this river? (Jumps into the river) I guess not. AAAAAARRRRRglglglglgggglghhh....

(Poor misguided JAVERT and his out-of-date ponytail drown in the river. C’est la- oh, forget it.

Sometime later, MARIUS thinks about ENJOLRAS and the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION, before they got shot and killed and stuff. Damn. Recapping “Les Miserables” is depressing.)

MARIUS: Why am I still here when they are gone? Why? I have nothing.
COSSETTE: You’ve got me!
MARIUS: I wasted my life fighting for a cause that didn’t even exist.
COSSETTE: Oh, you’re just cranky because all your friends are dead.
MARIUS: And where the hell were you the entire time I was fighting?

(Pause.)

COSSETTE: (bats eyelashes)
MARIUS: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you for long. Let’s get married.
COSSETTE: YAY! I love you, Monsieur Guy!
MARIUS: Marius.
COSSETTE: ...Marius!

(COSSETTE floats offstage in the rosy glow of young love. Kids.

Enter VALJEAN.)

VALJEAN: Marius, I’m glad that you’re going to take care of my “daughter”. I’m going to go away for a long time...actually, I’m going away forever. Please don’t let Cossette know where I’ve gone.
MARIUS: Gee, why can’t you just stay with us and be happy?
VALJEAN: Because this is not that kind of musical.

(Flash-forward to MARIUS and COSSETTE’s wedding day. The THENARDIERS crash the party all pimped out.)

MARIUS: What the hell are you doing here?
THENARDIER: Can’t a man celebrate with two young people as they start their lives together?
MARIUS: (stares)
THENARDIER: Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve got some information on your father-in-law I’d like to sell you. He’s a murderer.
MARIUS: Sheah. Right.
THENARDIER: It’s true! I found him in the sewers with a dead guy the night of the poorly executed revolution. Look: here’s a ring that I “borrowed” off the body.
MARIUS: Wait a minute...that’s my ring! Do you know what this means?
THENARDIER: ...You’re actually a ghost?
MARIUS: Shut up. (Punches him) Come on, Cossette! We have to find your father.

(MARIUS leaves with COSSETTE in tow. The THENARDIERS gloat over their success.

The THENARDIERS are people of questionable morality, the world’s worst parents, and horrible dressers...and yet, they get away with everything scott free while everyone else died on a pile of broken furniture.

I don’t know. You tell me.

Meanwhile, in a little room somewhere, VALJEAN is going to die. We know he is going to die, because FANTINE has decided to make her first appearance since Act I.)

COSSETTE: (rushing on with MARIUS) Daddy!
VALJEAN: “Daughter”!
MARIUS: Oh, Monsieur! Forgive me! I did not know you were the one who saved me!
VALJEAN: That’s because I didn’t tell you.
MARIUS: I...oh yeah.
COSSETTE: Daddy! What happened to you? Why are you all stinky and wrinkly?
VALJEAN: Because I’m about to die. We all die at some point. Even you, someday, will die. Maybe not in this show, but perhaps in the sequel: Les Miserables 2: Still Miserables. Some of us die of old age, like me, some of us die on barricades, like Enjolras, and some of us die from whoring, like your mother.
COSSETTE: (stunned silence.)
VALJEAN: Whoops. That didn’t sound like the way I had planned.
DEAD FANTINE: Oh smooth move, boss. Now, it’s time to go.
VALJEAN: Anyway, Cossette, I left you a note explaining everything. Have a good life without me. It’s been real, yo.
COSSETTE: (cries)
VALJEAN: Monsieur Guy...
MARIUS: Marius.
VALJEAN: Marius. Take care of my fake daughter for me.
DEAD FANTINE: Come with me...Come with me...
VALJEAN: Damnit, woman! I am dying as fast as I can! Ease up.

(VALJEAN finally, finally, finally dies for real. DEAD EPONINE helps DEAD FANTINE bear his soul up to heaven with all the souls of the CHILDREN OF LES REVOLUTION and others. JAVERT is noticeably absent. The cast delivers the stirring, inspirational message of Victor Hugo’s masterpeice...)

LES DEAD: Life sucks, and then you die. The end! “Les Miserables”!

(Curtain.)