2005 Tony Awards: Decomposed

Amanda takes on Antoinette Perry in a knock-down, drag-out recap. With special guest stars Dana and Jax. On with the show.

(Amanda sits perched in front of the TV with a laptop and a Lynchburg Lemonade, a.k.a. “snark juice. It is almost time for the show.)

Amanda: TonychatTonychat!
Dana: Dana's predictions: Play: “Doubt”; Musical: “Light in the Piazza” or “Spamalot”; Score: “Adam Guettel”; Book: Spamalot
Amanda: Amanda's predictions: I will get drunk and make out with my hand while I call him "James".
Dana: ITS STARTING!!!
Amanda: IT"S ON!

(Bernadette Peters opens the show. She has not aged or changed her hairstyle since the seventies)

Jax: BERNADETTE!!!
Dana: Dude where's her mike?
Amanda: Why is it that Bernadette Peters never ages?
Jax: Botox.
Dana: Where the hell did they hide her mike?

(Then comes the montage of all the year’s musicals...)

Amanda: Oh “Dracula”...that's it, start with all the crap shows.
Dana: “Brooklyn”...the little show where they wear lots of trashbags
Jax: No one liked Brooklyn but me, right?

(Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is briefly shown.)

Dana: Raul Esparza--one of the best actors with the lowest
self-esteem on Broadway.

(It is the only shot of Raul Esparza we will ever see this evening. Sigh. And then...)

Jax: BUNDITY!

(You see? I made it catch on. More musicals. Dancing, dancing, singing, singing, dancity-sing-sing-dance. “Good Vibrations”, “All Shook Up”...)

Amanda: Oh my God, so many of these shows look like they
suck!
Dana: It was not the best season, sadly.

(Finally, the show actually begins with the musicals that did get nominated.)

Dana: Yay “Spamalot”!
Amanda: YAY! “SPANALOT”!
Jax: “Spanalot” huh?
Amanda: You heard me.
Dana: Please tell me they're not cutting out musical numbers. They had better do numbers still. No damn medleys.
Jax: You're getting a medley right now.
Amanda: Oh, there ya go, D
Jax: “Light in the Pizza”
Amanda: Mmm, pizza
Dana: Ok can anyone else hear Josh Groban singing the songs from “Piazza”?
Jax: I LOVE NOBERT!!!! Oh, medley

(The shortest opening number in the history of ever ends.)

Amanda: And, that's it. Show's over.
Jax: We all win.
Dana: Everyone go home.

(And then the list of presenters is announced. Some of them deserve to be there. Many of them don’t. Apparently, if you were the star of your high school musical and had some notoriety, you get to present a Tony.)

Dana: I love Liev Schreiber. Don't know why. I just do
Jax: What the hell is Ethan Hawke doing at the Tony's?
Amanda: Oh God, for a minute, I thought she said "Christina Aguilera"
Jax: Oh Emmy Rossum: you suck.
Amanda: Sucks hardcore.
Dana: Oh God anorexic Emmy is presenting...there are more rpesenters than awards.
Amanda: And there are. like, 3 stage three shows amongst them all.
Dana: And why is Julia Stiles presenting?

(And our host for the evening...Billy Crystal? What the f***?)

Amanda: HEY! YOU'RE NOT HUGH JACKMAN!
Dana: Jeff Goldblum just got this look of panic.
Amanda: YOU'RE NOT TALL AND AUSTRALIAN!
Dana: Did anyone else see Jeff Goldblum's look of panic?
Amanda: GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU LITTLE POSER!
Jax: Yes.
Dana: Oh Oscar spoof. Piss off Broadway people. Nice.
Amanda: IF there is any Beyonce, I'm throwing out my TV.
Jax: Seriously.

(Hugh Jackman finally appears, via split screen)

Amanda: HUGH!
Dana: HUGH!
Jax: Huge Ackman is phoning it in.
Amanda: HUGHIEHUGHIEHUGH!
Jax: Sexy.
Amanda: And Harvey Firestein is very hairy.
Jax: Not sexy.
Dana: I'm sorry but I can't imagine Harvey Firestein doing “Fiddler”.
Amanda: That's the magic of Broadway, D...ooh, snap!
Dana: cattiness from Hugh Jackman
Amanda: ROWR!
Dana: The man looks good in a tux
Amanda: Let's take a moment to enjoy his prettiness.

(We take a moment to enjoy his prettiness, Billy Crystal will not go away.)

Amanda: Hugh, KICK HIS ASS!
Dana: Ha!
Amanda: DO IT!
Dana: WOW
Amanda: that man has the most beautiful cheek bones EVER.
Dana: Ok Billy Crystal: go. You are not hosting.
Amanda: GET HIM OFF THE STAGE!!!
Jax: Go away. Stop wasting my time.

(And then Billy makes a very surreal cut into the Best Performance By a Featured Actor In a Play.)

Amanda: WOW, that was quick.
Dana: He was presenting this? That was quite a transition...I love Liev Schreiber. He's supposed to be amazing.

(Liev Schrieber wins, as Dana had predicted)

Dana: Sweet!!!
Amanda: yay!
Jax: you love him...I don't know who he is.
Amanda: Dana gets the first gold star of the evening
Dana: Ding!
Amanda: Alan Alda looks like his smile might kill him.

(He thanks everyone in the cast, naming them off one by one...)

Dana: Did he say Fred Willard? Did he say the guy from Christopher Guest's movies?
Jax: Yes
Amanda: I would thank Fred Willard, even if he wasn't in my show.
Jax: He's talking for too long.
Dana: No he's not. He can talk as long as he wants
Amanda: BORING!
Dana: The man is a damn good actor. There's something so terribly appealing about a damn good actor.
Amanda: Yeah, but his speech was boring. Elaine Stritch didn't get to talk as long as she wanted.
Jax: And Stritchy is an old fierce bitch.
Amanda: I wish they would give Elaine Stritch five minutes to say whatever the hell she wants.
Jax: Everyday. On prime time tv
Amanda: Yes. “And now Five Minutes with Stritch, on CBS.”
Jax: And she'd be wearing a white man's dress shirt, black tights, and character shoes.
Dana: And you thought you would never watch CBS again after
"Everybody Loves Raymond" ended.

(Commercials. Dana gets really into the SAAB commercial.)

Dana: I'M FREE! I'M FREE!...Sorry. Couldn't help myself

(And we’re back. The overture from “Phantom of the Opera” frightens us all)

Dana: Do I detect Emmy Rossum?
Amanda: Oh no.
Jax: Please no.

(False alarm. Pretty pretty Hugh Jackman is back.)

Amanda: Oh Hugh, never leave the stage ever, ever.

(And then, what we were all waiting for: HUGH JACKMAN MUSICAL MONTAGE!)

Jax: I LOVE THIS SONG!
Dana: Oh my God
Amanda: Um, I want to see Wolverine do high kicks
Jax: I LOVE THAT HIS ACCENT GOES AWAY WHEN HE SINGS
Dana: He's doing a freaking oldies musical medley. I'm loving it.
Jax: This is brilliant
Dana: This is up there with Maureen McGovern's Rodgers and Hammerstein in 20 seconds.
Amanda: Hugh Jackman just sang “I Feel Pretty.” I think I can die now.
Dana: Shake those hips, Hugh.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Jax: Don't shake anything, I'm too nervous.

(Then comes the booty shaking!)

Jax: Not the booty.
Amanda: Oh sweet Jesus
Dana: Woo!
Amanda: NOW I can die.
Jax: Yes
Dana: Let's face the music and dance!

(Still booty shaking...)

Jax: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
Amanda: GO HUGH! GO!
Jax: Oh, “Funny Girl”!
Amanda: Just dance, you handsome bastard!
Dana: WOOHOO
Jax: There is a God
Amanda: And he loves showtunes...ENCORE!
Dana: I LOVE IT!

(Suddenly, the camera cuts to...)

Dana: Dude is Tim Curry there with a chick? I thought his sexuality was questionable and unknown?
Amanda: I thought he lived with a dog?

(Now more awards: Julia Stiles and Larry, sorry Lawrence Fishbourne present the award for Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Play.)

Jax: Julia Stiles? And Morpheus?
Amanda: MORPHEUS, STOP JUSTIFYING YOUR PRESCENCE!
Dana: OH I LOVE DANA IVEY
Jax: Dana Ivey: that's my pick.
Amanda: The black girl will win.

(Adriane Lenox, the black girl, does win)

Dana: You called it, La.
Jax: Black girl won.
Amanda: HA! I was right! “Doubt” is gonna cleanup
Dana: Her dress is awesome...she's giving shoutouts. The Tony's are wild y'all!
Jax: She's sassy.
Dana: MEMPHIS IS IN THE HOUSE!
Amanda: Holla!
Jax: She can't hold this and wash dishes too.
Dana: Remember that one. Thats one for the record books.
Amanda: So, her dead mama will have to do the dishes?

(Mario Cantone and Megan Mullaly present the award for Best Book.)

Amanda: Oh look, a gay man. See how many you can spot.
Jax: Best Book: whats your pick?
Dana: Spamalot.
Jax: Spamalot.
Amanda: SPAMALOT...OR THE CHICK!

(Rachel Shienken, the author of “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” wins.)

Dana: WOW
Amanda: HA! I WAS RIGHT!
Jax: I LOVE WHEN CHICKS WIN!
Dana: Okay, now I'm curious.
Jax: Me too
Dana: Have to add “25th Annual...” to the list of shows i must see
soon.

(Musical vamp, and there is John Lithgow...)

Dana: “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels”.
Amanda: Do I detect a musical number?
Dana: Yes i believe you do.
Jax: I love Norbert Butz.
Dana: Would you do him?
Jax: I want to norbert his butz.
Amanda: Heh, butz.
Dana.: Dude, I love David Yazbek. His scores are just FUN.
Amanda: Uh...is this the best musical number in the show?
Dana: I don't care, its fun.

(Norbert Leo Butz is still singing...and still awesome. The CBS censors are just about having anuerims.)

Jax: I'll make every night your bar mitzvah, baby.
Amanda: As long as you don't make everyday his bris.
Dana: Oh geez
Amanda: Whoah, what did they just edit?
Dana: Trying to figure it out.
Jax: I think he said a swear about sex.
Dana: Well yes. But which one is the question

(We never find out. Commercials!)

Amanda: SWEET BUNDITY IS NEXT!
Dana: I'm going to get a commercial drink. Mmm chocolate soymilk

(Dana lives life on the edge. Amanda still sips away at her snark juice. Jax has dirty dreams about Norbert Leo Butz. More commercials.)

Amanda: Top 100 movie quotes...I hope one of them is "I love lamp"

(And, we’re back!)

Amanda: GUYS! SWEET BUNDITY!

(Christina Applegate twirls around a lampost...and takes a tumble into the orchestra pit.)

Amanda: And...she died.
Jax: That was funny.... and stupid.
Dana: People were actually freaked. Come on.
Jax: Everyone looks shocked
Dana: You had to know she'd make fun of herself
Jax: I bet Jerry Mitchell wins for La Cage

(...and he does.)

Dana: you called it, Jax.
Jax: YES! I WIN!
Dana: Jax gets a gold star
Amanda: Well, if one of them was a black chick, I would have called it.

(And then, the dreaded “Music of the Night” theme plays. It’s Emmy Rossum, the human pipe cleaner, and she’s here to present Best Score.)

Amanda: Oh, here she comes.
Jax: Emmy
Amanda: Remember when she was all boobular in “Phantom”?
Dana: GET ANOREXIC EMMY OFF THE STAGE
Amanda: She shrunk!
Dana: You're not getting a role in NY, you hussy.
Amanda: Look into her eyes: nothing. Lights are one, no one’s home
Dana: She’s a stupid twit
Jax: She's like an unattractive Anne Hathaway
Amanda: and she mispronounced "Guettel"

(Adam Guettel wins! All legit singers across the world rejoice!)

Jax: YAY!
Dana: YES!!! GIVE ME ANOTEHR GOLD STAR
Amanda: YAY!
Jax: Me too!!!!
Dana: Dude I LOVE that cd
Amanda: Hey, [Guettel is] kinda hot.
Jax: I kinda want to sex Adam Guettel, too. Is he straight?
Amanda: Dunno. Let's do him and find out.
Dana: Yay grandpa! He cited grandpa.
Jax: Sure did.
Dana: He said "Rodgers and Hammerstein".
Amanda: Because his grandpa is RICHARD FREAKIN' RODGERS.

(Speaking of the grandson of RICHARD FREAKIN’ RODGERS, it’s now time for a musical number from “The Light In the Piazza”. Victoria Clark, put your mic down and take us home.)

Dana: Her mic's not working. That sucks.
Jax: Wait, her mic started working.
Amanda: Oh, there ya go.
Jax: I think she put it in her purse.
Dana: Probably.
Amanda: Yay Guettel! Bring back the sopranos!
Dana: Yeah, La, this is really up your alley. Its serious legit shit
Amanda: that is why I need to find Adam Guettel AND DO HIM
Jax: Except the boy...he's like....scoop tenor
Dana: The male role in the show could be played by Josh Groban
Amanda: Heh, I can see the statue's butt.
Jax: that was a really ugly vowel
Amanda: Dude, what kind of accents are they rockin'? Midwestern?
Jax: Weird.
Dana: North Carolina.
Jax: Bad.
Amanda: Oh, here comes the Hairspray kid

(Link from Hairspray catches Kelli O'Hara[NOT Erin Dilly. Thanks, D]’s hat, and they share meaningful glances.)

Amanda: MAKE OUT!
Jax: or not.

(Commercials.)

Amanda: You guys, maybe I should do a television show, then I can do all the Broadway I want.

(And...we’re back! Doris Roberts and Harry Smith wax theatrical. They share dirty jokes.)

Dana: DORIS!! She's great
Amanda: Love her
Jax: Same
Amanda: Ooh, sex jokes
Jax: Gross ones
Amanda: How randy...not even bleeped out.
Jax: She's drunk
Amanda: That's hardcore, CBS.
Dana: Nice

(Play Montage!)

Amanda: PLAYS!
Jax: was that Mary Louise Parker?
Dana: My aunt said that "12 Angry Men" was phenomenal.
Amanda: I can't believe that John C. Reilly played Stanley in “Streetcar”.
Dana: yeah that’s kind of random.

(C.J. and President Palmer present the award for Best Director of a Play.)

Amanda: DOUBT!
Jax: I'm going with 12 Angry Men.
Dana: I'm saying Joe Mantello.
Amanda: Why does Joe Mantello always look like he's drunk?

(Doubt wins...again.)

Amanda: Wow.
Jax: Dammit.
Amanda: Gold star for me!
Dana: "Oedipal revenge for the son of 2 actors to become a director"
Jax: hehehe

(Chita Rivera comes on stage, she looks about 60 going on 30.)

Jax: OH MY GOD CHITA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dana: She’s like mid-70s isn't she?
Jax: She's terrifying.
Amanda: Ew, her face is so tight.

(Chita talks about two friends that she lost that year.)

Dana: Who? Who did Broadway lose?
Jax: Cy Coleman and Fred Ebb
Amanda: And no one else.
Dana: My T.V. kinda lost sound while she said it.
Jax: Yes mine too.
Amanda: they better give props to Arthur Miller
Jax: Seriously

(And finally, it’s time: “SWEET BUNDITY”! Hookers, I’m sorry “dance hall hostesses”, try to seduce the audience by screaming as loud as they can.)

Amanda: Um, you guys don't have to shout
Dana: Yeah.
Amanda: HEY! DO YOU WANNA DANCE?!?!
Dana: That was a real fast intro to that song
Jax: Yeah -- they had to speed it up for this I'm sure...where's Bundity?
Amanda: There she is

(Yes. Finally, there is La Applegate. The world says “meh.”)

Jax: she's no Shirley McLain
Dana: DID YOU HEAR COUNTING? SOMEONE WENT " 1 2 3 4"
Amanda: tempo, tempo
Jax: she's breathing in really weird places.
Dana: Our resident dance expert, what do you think so far?
Jax: It was me counting.
Amanda: Oh, Gwen Verdon is probably rolling in her grave
Jax: Not a real singer
Amanda: I just really want to pull her shoulders back. She's a slouchy dancer.
Dana: That was the shortest musical number ever
Jax: Yes
Amanda: And the crowd goes mild

(Commercials. Dana and Jax’s pets are asleep from the heat. Amanda’s dog keeps sitting on top of her and sniffing her butt. The snark juice is holding out well.

And, we’re back. It’s Kathleen Turner and Leiv Schreiber to get the new plays out of the way and onto the pretty, pretty musical numbers. They don’t even show clips: just pictures and sound clips. It’s pretty sad.)

Amanda: Are they doing the voices? Or is it the cast of "Spamalot" off in the wings with a mic?
Jax: Haha, yes that one La.
Amanda: Dude, why don't they just show the clips?
Dana: They’re skimpier with the plays every year
Amanda: It's not f***ing “A Star Is Born”!

(Leslie Uggams and James Earl Jones read the nominations for Best Featured Actress in a Musical. Leslie Uggams makes “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” sound majestic.)

Dana: She's making James Earl Jones read the nominations...love Joanna Gleason.
Jax: yes
Amanda: CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!
Dana: I LOVE DIVA'S LAMENT
Amanda: Go Sara!
Jax: Joanna will win

(No she won’t. Sara Ramirez does. She almost tumbles out of her own dress to get to the stage.)

Amanda: YAY!
Jax: Dammit
Dana: Pull up the tube top honey.
Amanda: Ha! she totally just adjusted herself
Dana: And hacked into the mike
Amanda: She's pulling all the right moves
Jax: that's what I will do when I win my first Tony: I will yank up my tits so they don't fall out on CBS.
Amanda: Oh man, she did not just say "keeping it real"
Jax: She said, "I miss you guys": why?
Dana: She said she missed the cast
Amanda: Dude, they're right there!

(Sara leaves with her dignity intact.)

Amanda: And, she was in “Dance of the Vampires”!

(Well, almost.

Anne Hathaway helps present the Best Featured Actor in a Musical with Monk.)

Dana: Anne and Emmy in the same room: thats insane
Amanda: notice how you never see Anne and Emmy together at the same time, though

(The nominees flash by on the screen, including Link.)

Jax: Ooh that one! The hot one!

(Daniel Fogley wins.)

Jax: Oh no...the ugly one.
Dana: This was his DEBUT??? His BROADWAY DEBUT AND HE WON A TONY???
Amanda: This sounds like my kind of show.
Dana: It definitely is I'm sure La.
Jax: Hehehe
Dana: I wouldn't mind seeing it either
Amanda: I like him!
Dana: Yay for him
Amanda: Yay!

(Daniel Fogarty is awesome. And now it’s time for “La Cage Aux Folles”, starring Robert Goulet!)

Amanda: GOO-lay!
Dana: Its “La Cage” folks
Jax: YAY!
Amanda: That guy's soprano is better than mine
Dana: Yay Gary Beach!

(The Cagelles, dance like whoa and scream at the top of their registers.)

Jax: Those boys are amazing.
Amanda: Get it girls!
Jax: And those boys dance better than any girl I've ever seen
Dana: Yeah seriously
Amanda: It's very Moulin Rouge
Jax: They're all so pretty
Dana: Did you see them all do splits?
Amanda: Whoa, in heels even!
Jax: Its like 15 Matt Gose's
Dana: Wow
Amanda: It kind of makes me wish I had showered today

(More commercials. Amanda goes to get more snark juice.

Back to the Tony’s: the triumphant return of “Avenue Q” and the two most boring people in the room.)

Dana: AVENUE Q
Jax: AW!!!
Amanda: I'm so glad it's just not the old folks...damn, these two are boring
Dana: “The internet is for porn and theatre”
Jax: Brilliant
Dana: I'm adding that for an away message
Amanda: no wonder [those old folks] are in The American Theatre Wing, they can't act.

(Sally Field comes onstage to kiss Edward Albee’s ass.)

Amanda: Edward Albee: way to not die. Congratulations, you outlived Arthur Miller.
Dana: Wow
Amanda: and where is the shout out to Arthur Miller???

(And, thankfully, Hugh Jackman comes out.)

Amanda: Hugh, it's been a long night...just take your shirt off

(Nathan Lane comes on stage to do his contractual Tony appearance.)

Jax: Oh Nathan Lane.....
Amanda: Trying to be topical
Dana: Everyone has that "well this is awkward" look and laugh going
Amanda: Y'all, these are actors, they don't follow the news!

(The nominees for Best Special Theatrical Event are announced.)

Amanda: Oh please let it be Laugh Whore!

(It’s not.)

Amanda: Damnit
Jax: I knew it would be Billy Crystal
Amanda: I think Jesus should have a one-man show on Broadway
Dana: that would be sweet: "Jesus: the Resurrection Tour"

(Billy Crystal takes his sweet old time. The orchestra doesn’t dare touch him.)

Amanda: maybe Hugh Jackman could come on and interrupt him? And take his shirt off?

(Kate Burton announces the Best Regional Theatre Award: The Theatre de le Blah-Blah-Frenchword.)

Amanda: Yay Kate "my Dad was famous" Burton
Dana: I still wish i could've seen her in "Hedda Gabler"
Amanda: “The Theatr-who-what-now”?
Dana: Its French physical comedy. Kinda like a hybrid i think of regular theatre with commedia dell'arte
Amanda: Oh. Maybe I should cut back on the snark juice.
Dana: Umm yeah. Just a little

(Commercials.)

Dana: OK do you guys have the Premarin commercial on right now? "If you have a uterus, premarin may increase the risk of uterine cancer" If you are going through menopause you have a uterus.
Jax: Obviously
Amanda: Really? I thought menopause was when your uterus jumped out of your body?

(Matthew Broderick starts poking fun at the nominees for Best Director of a Musical.)

Dana: Lets make all the directors feel inadequate Matthew
Amanda: Yeah, like theatre people aren't insecure enough
Dana: James Lapine is awesome...Mike Nichols is awesome
Jax: I want Mike Nichols

(It is Mike Nichols.)

Dana: You got it Jax
Amanda: Surprise
Jax: YAY! Gold star #3.
Amanda: I think Mike Nichols has too many awards now...he's gotta cut back.
Jax: Cheer up...life isn't everything. Brilliant
Amanda: Heh, he's been involved with Monty Python too long
Dana: Wait wait...is Eric Idle wearing tiger stripes?
Amanda: Is it so wrong that I love Eric Idle's tux?

(The Best Revival of a Musical, presented by...)

Amanda: it's Felicity and Ducky
Jax: HAHA
Amanda: together at last

(Gee, I wonder who will win?)

Jax: La Cage
Amanda: La Cage
Dana: La Cage

(...”La Cage”.)

Jax: YAY!
Dana: Gold star for us all
Amanda: Oh, big surprise...I mean, the big competition was Sweet Bundity

(It’s now time for “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee”)

Amanda: Heh, this show looks awesome
Jax: Those real life spelling bees crack me up

(And suddenly...)

Amanda: ...wow.
Dana: WHAT?
Jax: Why is Al Sharpton on stage?

(The gals are won over by “Spelling Bee”’s charms.)

Amanda: This is awesome!
Dana: I WANT TO SEE THIS! OH MY GOD I WANT TO SEE THIS!
Amanda: ME TOO!
Jax: Why Al Sharpton?
Amanda: SHUT UP, IT'S AWESOME


(Commercials.)

Jax: Sigh...
Dana: Why are you sighing J-dawg?
Jax: I'm really tired. When are they done?
Amanda: Jackie, are you going to act like this when you
actually do go to the Tony’s?
Jax: Yes. I'm going to get all dressed up, and then get very sleepy, and then hike up my tits, and then I'm going to pass out in my chair.

(IDINA!)

Dana: IDINA! IDINA!
Jax: I LOVE HER! I LOVE HER!

(Idina is there to announce the technical award winners which were announced earlier that evening. It’s even sadder than the Oscars when they made the technical nominees parade out onstage.)

Amanda: Yay, Guettel!
Dana: Well deserved for orchestrations
Amanda: Yay lighting!
Dana: Well that makes sense--”Light in the Piazza” got best lighting
Jax: Brilliant
Amanda: Yay costumes!
Dana: Wow “Piazza”'s cleaning up
Amanda: Hell yeah
Dana: This is definitely not a “Producers” year
Amanda: Seriously

(Joan Allen arrives...only to be attacked by black beads.)

Amanda: Whoa, Joan Allen has too many necklaces
Dana: Yeah she does.
Jax: they are holding up her neck
Dana: Okay, this is tough, but i'm gonna have to go with “12 Angry Men”
Jax: 12 Angries

(But, it’s not “12 Angry Men”. It’s “Glengarry Glen Ross”. The producer has a stupid little red tie. The snark juice takes its toll.)

Amanda: WHAT?! That is BULLSHIT! “12 Angry Men” went into seven extensions! What the F***?!
Jax: I know man. “12 Angries” it what I wanted too
Amanda: Oh shut up Colonnel Sanders JR.
Dana: oh not Fred Willard. “Fred Weller.”
Amanda: Wah! That just makes me hate that guy even more.

(Laura Linney comes onstage, and Arthur Miller FINALLY gets his props.)

Amanda: Oh, THANK GOD: here's the Arthur Miller shout-out
Dana: RIP Arthur Miller
Amanda: Dude, Laura Linney is not blinkihng

(Oh, but Arthur is not the only one who died this year.)

Amanda: DEATH MONTAGE! Aw, John Raitt
Dana: Jerry Orbach
Jax: Oh Jerry

(And then, as we are honoring those we had lost in reverence...Jesse L. Martin comes out to sing “Razzle Dazzle”. Huh?)

Amanda: Okay, this is kind of tasteless
Dana: Its Broadway
Amanda: Isn't a moment of silence usually the norm?
Dana: you know Jerry Orbach's loving it
Jax: Seriously
Dana: Jesse Martin worked with Jerry, so its not tasteless at all
Amanda: Well, I just talked to Jerry Orbach, and he said he would have preferred a moment of silence
Jax: Nah, he wanted “Lullaby of Broadway” sung by everyone in the auditorium
Dana: Dude that would've been sweet
Jax: Yes
Dana: Can you imagine
Jax: That's what Jerry wanted
Amanda: When I die, I want my picture to appear while "Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life at Last I've Found You" plays
Jax: Mmmokay
Dana: We will make sure that happens
Amanda: Sweet.

(Commercials.)

Amanda: Uh oh, Uncle Junior passed out from the Six Flags excitement.

(And, we’re back. And so is Hugh. Why do you keep going away, Hugh baby? Keep those sweet cheekbones onscreen where we can enjoy them. Anyway, Best Actor in a Play...)

Jax: CRUDUP! LOVE HIM
Amanda: Brian F. O'Byrne! Go Irishman!

(And the winner is...Bill Irwin?!)

Amanda: DAMNIT!
Dana: Bill irwin or what?
Amanda: Y'all, “Doubt” lost something!

(Alan Alda and Marcia Cross are onstage. It’s “Desperate Houswife” and “Desperately Clinging to Life”.)

Amanda: I can't decide who's skinnier.
Dana: Yeah really. And Alan Alda, that was tasteless
Amanda: Cherry Jones is gonna get it

(She does, after planting a big ol’ kiss on her girlfriend.)

Jax: DAMMIT! I wanted MLP.
Dana: Who won?
Amanda: The lesbian
Dana: “Doubt”?
Jax: Yes.
Dana: Ah.
Amanda: Yup.

(Finally, it’s...)

Jax: Oh “Spamalot”.
Dana: Love me some “Spamalot”.
Jax: Tim Curry is fat
Dana: He's getting up there man...ok does anyone else think this part is kinda “Rocky Horrorish”?
Jax: Maybe because its Tim Curry

(The number is kinda awesome, and Sara Ramirez has kind of become my new music theatre hero.

Commercials.)

Amanda: I NEED MORE SNARK JUICE!

(Angela Basset arrives with Etham Hawke)

Amanda: I saw his ass!

(It’s the award for Best Play.)

Dana: “Doubt”
Amanda: “Doubt”.
Jax: “Doubt”

(“Doubt”!)

Dana: Gold stars all around
Jax: YAY!
Amanda: Heh, [Adriane Lenox] just raised the roof

(Dan Patrick Shanley accepts his award.)

Amanda: Wow, that is not how I imagined his voice would sound

(And the lady producer makes her acceptance speech...and takes her sweet ass time.)

Jax: This is taking too long. I am fallig asleep
Dana: She's speaking really slowly
Amanda: SPEED IT UP!
Dana: They shut off the mic. They really shut off the mic.

(Sandra Oh presents with some guy whose name I should remember but obviously I haven’t invested it in my long-term memory.)

Dana: Sandra Oh is great
Amanda: But what is up with her hair?

(Thankfully, Hugh comes back on.)

Jax: YAY HUGH
Amanda: OH YEAH!
Dana: Why is he singing? I mean i don't have a problem with him singing, but why is he singing?
Jax: I FREAKING LOVE HIS VOICE
Dana: What was the reason they gave?
Jax: Honoring Sondheim for some shit?
Dana: Sweet
Amanda: He changed his suit, which means he had to have been shirtless at some point.
Jax: Hugh, quit being Wolverine and just sing to me on CBS right after “5 Minutes with Stritchy”.
Amanda: Wow, Hugh brought out his inner blackness

(Commercials.)

Amanda: I want to shag Hugh Jackman's cheekbones!

(It is way past Amanda’s bedtime.)

Dana: Wow...Harvey fierstein
Amanda: yeah...he's hairy

(The ladies make their Best Actress in a Musical picks)

Amanda: Uh...that woman! Victoria Clark!
Dana: Sutton where's your brother. we want him back!
Jax: It'll probably be freaking Sutton or Sheri.

(It’s that woman! Victoria Clark!)

Dana: SHIT
Jax: Yay La
Amanda: Gold star for me!
Jax: It was not freaking Sutton or Sheri...her dress looks bad on her.
Amanda: Her hair looks fab, though

(She thanks her son.)

Dana: Aww...what a cute kid
Jax: Cute

(She thanks her costars.)

Amanda: Whoa, Kelly O'Hara looks scary up close.

(She thanks more people, and then she leaves.)

Dana: BERNADETTE!
Jax: I LOVE HER TOO! She was my first Music Theatre idol
Amanda: Mine too...but why that dress?
Jax: ‘Cause she's hot and she can wear anything.
Dana: Agreed
Amanda: Touche
Dana: And the hair will never change.

(Best Actor in a Musical:)

Dana: My name is Lancelot...I'm big and strong and hot
Jax: I REALLY LOVE HIM
Amanda: Butz!
Dana: I give up. I’m not guessing. I don't know.
Amanda: Gotta be Butz!

(And it is Butz! Jax is probably throwing her bra at the TV by now.)

Amanda: Butz!!! YES!
Dana: OH MY GOD
Amanda: BUTZ!!!
Jax: I WON I WON!
Dana: HE FREAKING WON OVER JOHN LITHGOW AND TIM CURRY! HOLY SHIT!
Jax: I WON I WON!!!!!
Dana: THAT'S A FEAT!
Amanda: YEAH!
Jax: Today is definately his Bar Mitzvah
Amanda: He's adorable
Dana: Aww
Jax: I LOVE HIM

(Commercials.)

Amanda: Wow, SAAB really love Butz...Hehe, BUTZ!
Dana: I'M FREE! I'M FREE!
Amanda: BUTZ LOVE!
Jax: HAHA!
Dana: I cannot believe that “Two and a Half Men” has lasted as long as it has
Amanda: Cryer must give amazing head, because the person he's blowing to keep the show on is LOVIN’ IT!


(And we’re back, again, for the last time.)

Amanda: Okay, one more to go...one more to go.
Dana: The big one kids.
Jax: I'm walking on air.... my adorable little Jew won!!!
Dana: Dude “Piazza”'s gonna sell out now.
Amanda: Spam or Pizza...which is more delicious?
Dana: Dude don't make me hungry
Amanda: I still think Alan Rickman should have won...something.

(And the winner is...SPAMALOT! SPAMALOTSPAMALOTSPAMALOT!)

Dana: WHAT?
Jax: YAY!!!
Dana: Whoa.
Jax: At least it was funny!!!
Dana: Considering the rest of the night THAT is a surprise.
Amanda: Well, there ya go...and I still love that tux.

(Instead the enjoy an exceptence speech from Eric Idle, though, we have to sit through the babbling of...another freakin’ producer.)

Dana: Eric idle really just like bowed. Deeply.
Amanda: Ick, I hate it when producers talk You are the money! Shut it!
Dana: Yeah why is the creator not talking?

(And the orchestra cuts off the speeches, because only Hollywood award shows have enough clout to run over time.)

Amanda: We speed though the night's biggest award
because we have to get to the local news, and Hugh Jackman was only shirtless off-camera. Everyone loses. Except Spamalot
Dana: That's all folks

(Curtain.)